I'm not sure that i really wanna share and post it. But it's getting hard and hard and i can't stand it anymore. Sounds drama huh? I'm such a big drama queen, I am, but now, I hate my own drama. I'm fucking hate it.
Emm..first thing first. Gosh, you ever feel that you're so messed up you don't even know what your problem is? HEY!i have the same problem here!haha
I don't know, i really hope it's just a phase you know, teenager and blabla all that cheesy things. But i think this one is pretty hard, at least for me.
So, for now, and Thank God if this feeling can just go away, i have a really low self-esteem. Like UNDERground!haha I'm not faking it.
Everything went wrong. I don't get what what i wanted, and i start blaming God for this, sorry God but you're the one who makes me feel this way.hehe.
Everybody's changing, you know? moving on with their lives, I got stuck here. Nothing's changed for me. BIG NO-THING! hey, I love my life! I do, I have so many fantastic bestfriends, great family and all, for your note, I put NO blame to them. they're terrific. It's me, I'm the one who starts acting weird. haha.
Or maybe I'm just bored? I have this new passion, for travelling, so i try to get scholarship and plan my get away with my friends, the fact i just bought my bestfriend a ticket to Singapore for January 31, can't wait for that. But i'm not so sure about the scholarship, I don't know if I'm ready to take my ass off from here, Jogja, for a long time, I want to deal with my problem, not just run away to a foreign country for an escape. The thing is, escape is a good word for my ear right now. See? I don't even know what i want!!
And yeah for the low self-esteem, it amazed me, oke I'm not the prettiest or the smartest girl in a whole world, but I never ashamed of my self! Na-a! I'm actually pretty confident, easy going kind! But yeaah, now I am not :( emm, maybe because I play sensitive to all the words i heard about me. People can say a lot of bad things about you, even when they're not meaning it. Maybe because the pressure is high, I kinda lost track on my academic's score, and my friends are all brilliant. It scares the hell out of me, feeling left behind. feeling i have nothing i can be proud of. i don't even think about it when high school. Everyone or yeah, in the movies they let you believe that high school sucks, believe me, college is harder.
Or maybe because I'm away too far from my family. It matters, now i do feel it. People get lonely you know? I wonder, if i'm gone will somebody miss me? they have their own lives to care about.i don't know, i sometime think that I've got nothing. Yeaah cheesyy i knoow.haha. But yeah it just how i feel. The thing is I have so many BESTfriends in here, no it's not sarcasm. They really are very kind to me. I got my 4 girls from campus, we have this conference on blackberry messanger, we talk all the time!haha and i have this my practicaally roommate, her room is downstairs, and yeah i kinda live at hers, haha. So I don't know what I'm worried about.
You're gonna laugh for it, I think i kinda sad because i watched too many drama series! hey it's a life changing, believeee me!haha
You know in every drama series, there's this guy that will do everything for her girl. Love deeply, head over heels, you know something like that. I used to have him. USED, you note that right? haha. I don't know, i tell my self to get my feet in the ground, get real, but i think I just can't give up on fairy tale, happily ever after thingy.
Sometime I just blurtly blame God for everything. like "hellooo God, I'm here, do you even notice me?" yaa ya something like that.
Oke, i don't know what else i wanna talk about. So this is it. I screwed up. My life sucks right now. But i hope it'll get better soon!
PS: I really hope my next post will be so much brighter than this! :)
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