but it's not about that. i have my hopes uo, you know? when i get the call, and i made it to the interview, i tell all my bestfriends because i'm beyond happy to get that call, and everybody support me, my PARENTS support me.
gosh, i think that's what makes it so hard. i don't know how to tell my parent and tell them that i don't get the scholarship. i mean, i know they'll be oke with it, they put no pressure for me about it, I'M THE ONE WHO FEELS BAD.i feel like trash.
i mean, this scholarship is like the only chance to make my parents proud of me. you know, when you feel like you just a big dissappointment, and you got the oppurtunity to turn it around. yaah, but in the end here i am, again, dissapoinment. my parents are the only reasoh why i really want it so bad, to see their face happy and know that they're proud of me. i don't have the chance to see that lately, i have nothing to be proud of. i am nothing.
sampe skarang, gw blom bisa ngasih taw mamapapa buat bilang kalo gw ga dapet beasiswa ini. i can't hear their voice, i think i will email my mother later. because we already come up with the idea, klo gw dapet beasiswa ini, berarti gw harus cuti 1 semester, dan gw bakal 4 bulan di jakarta, di rumah, at least i can be with my parents and take care of them, soalnya mreka cuma tinggal berdua di rumah, dan bokap slalu ada rapat dan pergi kmana", i think my mom is feel a bit lonely.
it's like you have already have a big plan ahead, and it crush in one time. in a snap, it feels like a fucking slap in my face.
i mean, i don't even know why i bother to apply for it, it's like zero chance that i'll get it. you know when you have nothing good on you, and you finally got the chance to show yourself that you're worth it, and you finally believe it and later on you back and being nothing again.
i cry hard, i can't even breathe when i know the story. and it's sad because i can't call anyone and share the pain. i mean it's like nobody business, right? i mean when you have a happy news you can call everyone you know and spread the news, but for time like this, you can just call your friend and say that you're a loser. i don't thinl i can hear my parents' voice, and i can't just call my friend and tell them my story, i mean everybody's have their own shit and problem, i don't want to force them to take care of me.
so here it is. me and my 2 packs cigs. smoking away your shit, right? i'm in my ROOM like all day, i don't even open my door once. kmaren gw ga tidur sama skali, trus kayaknya tadi pagi akhirnya ktiduran skitar jam 8, bangun udah jam stengah 5, dan karena kmaren dari solo dibeliin snack" sama kakak spupu, akhirnya gw makan itu seharian. i turn off my phone. i deactivate my facebook, i don't check my twitter. i block all the communication with outside world. i can't even look at myself in the mirror.
so yeah fuckin it. fucking dream big, because it just doesn't work.
i once know the words "you can't be mad at God, and in the same time don't believe in God" orang slalu bilang Tuhan adil, punya rencana yang lebih baik dan blabla...BULLSHIT!BIG FUCKING BULLSHIT!! this is my worst year, i think i deserve this scholarship because all this shit that happens for me this year, but yeah i don't get it right? gw bahkan puasa dan sholat tahajud buat berdoa. hahaha i laugh at myself now, how can i be that stupid.
i don't know what should i do now. i don't even think that i'll come home next week to see my mom get her doctor's title, i just can't face them.
so yeah, i think for tomorrow the best i can do is get drunk, like a real drunk and i can't remember anything. it's temporary, but i think it's worth a try.
the funny thing is, tomorrow i have to go back to campus because i have class and everything, and i think i'll act like usual. i'm a joker, you know i always make my friend laugh, so i think i'll keep that act, because i think this ruined part of me i'll keep it for myself, no one have to see it by the way, i mean i'm not like a sad puppy that craving for some attention. because you can standing and talking with someone who's completely broken and you wouldn't even know it. who fucking bothers right?
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