something old

actually i don't like change. i'm fucking not. i hate good-bye. no good at it at all. gw nangis waktu kakak gw pindah kuliah ke bandung, padahal waktu itu hubungan gw juga sbenernya ga deket-deket banget ma dya. haha. it's killing me when my bestfriend, mumut, moved to aussie to continue her study. ah it's like the end of my world! i mean it.

i like rituals. kayak gw balik ke jakarta, gw taw muka bokap gw yg bakal paling pertama gw liat di bandara, nyengar-nyengir nungguin gw di pintu kedatangan. gw taw kakak gw pasti nyempetin pulang dari bandung, gw jalan ma sahabat-sahabat gw di jakarta. something like that.

rituals fun. i mean you know what to expect. comforting. i have a bad day today. i mean, it's not like somebody's fault or something. hahaha. sily me, like usual. tapi masalahnya kalau gw lagi kesel sama sesuatu, gw ga santai. gw nggak bisa sok ketawa-ketawa atau gimana. i'm like mirror. apa yg lagi gw rasain skarang ya smua orang taw. ain't no poker face. haha. jadi yang ada tadi gw di kelas sebel-sebel ga jelas. untung insting gw bagus, pas gw bbm sahabat gw, devi, dya bilang dya juga lagi ada kelas. gw begging banget minta ktemuan dan sgala macem, padahal dya pulang sejam lebih awal dari kelas gw, dan tadi gw di akhir kelas harus presentasi, akhirnya maksain banget buat ketemu, untung gw punya temen super baik, lucu, dan perhatian macam dya, akhirnya ketemu trus gw cuma meluk. lamaaaaaaa lumayan. heheehe. i'm a hugger. i love hugging people. somehow it heals me :)

i mean, sometime words and talking is overrated you know? like boring. i mean i'm a good talker, dan kadang" di tengah gw ngomong gw suka mikir sendiri klo omongan gw ga penting dan klewat panjang. hehe. jadi cuma tadi meluk temen gw aja, dan karena emang dya lucu banget, dya nebak" kenapa gw sedih yang malah bikin gw ktawa.

nyampe rumah gw langsung ke kamar sahabat gw, binar, gw taw si bakal kosong, udah lumayan jarang emang ngobrol ma dya lately. no blame to anyone either. dya punya pacr baru dan banyak kegiatan, gw autis gara" dvd. hehe. tadi gw cuma minta dya buat nemenin ke coffee break. pertama, karena emang kita sering kesini berdua, kedua it's something old, maksudnya gw apal tempat duduknya, apal komiknya, apal mas"nya, dan sgala macem. it's something you know? little peace about the usual.

sampe skarang binar bahkan gak taw what's wrong with me today. i don't mind. she's my special silent partner, dia disini juga blajar klompok tadi sama temen-temennya, skarang temen-temennya udah pulang, gw ribet nulis blog, dya ribet tugas kuliah. we don't share a word. but it's fine. it's actually fine. kayak kemaren gw dinner sama dia, sebenenya sekalian cari wifi soalnya wifi kosan labilnya gila-gilaan, kita duduk disana dari jam stengah 8malem sampe jam stengah 1 pagi, itu juga pulang karena diusir dixie udah mau tutup, slama itu juga gw sama dya sibuk sama laptop masing-masing, dan sibuk makan. haha. i don't know, cozy i think? just be with someone who knows you so well, yaah it's always nice to have someone to sit next to you, you feel less lonely :)

i feel numb lately. it's a choice, and i'm willingly choosing it. it's better than sad, yeah? gw baru selesai ntn skins langsung 3 seasons, kacau jalan hidupnya!haha gw stress banget gimana ada orang yg hidupnya isinya cuma ttg drugs, mindless sex,alcohol. i mean, it's fun maybe, if you do it once in a while, kalau misalnya tiap hari gokil juga. but yeaah at leat they have a temporary escape from their life. oke, no judging here, hehe. you know when you feel your life is so fucked up? actually nothing wrong with it, just ordinary, but this one thing, this fucking little thing that keeps bugging you and you can't take your mind about it. it's better to not care, fake it. i'm the one who always over-care about everything,and in the end it hurts me.

so yeaaah. i know it's very off and on from me. and maybe it's confusing. but yeah. i reach the desicion that i'll try to be the not-care than over-care version of me. and by the way who fucking bothers, right?